How Long Can You Get Away With It?

TITLE: How Long I'm Willing To Hear/Read About Your Pet Depending On How Hot You Are.

AUTHOR: ME YOU IDIOT!

THESIS: Some people can get away with long mindless uninteresting conversations solely based on their good looks.

OVERVIEW: Statistics and probability an important part in our lives and are particularly useful in helping us make wise decisions. This study would help readers see how the study of probability can effect even the time I'd be willing to spend with you on a certain subject.

PURPOSE: This study would help implement some of what I've learned in earlier research classes and presents a fascinating summary of the way my "Attention Span" works.

OBJECTIVE(S): Readers will be able to:

1. Know how long they're allowed to speak of pets to me based on my scales-of-beauty.
2. Understand how instinct has a major role in time rationing.
3. Recognize how UGLY Sara Jessica Parker is.

RESOURCES/MATERIALS NEEDED:

1. Paper.
2. Pencil.
3. Black Marker.
4. Camera.
5. Eraser.
6. PowerBook G4.
7. Internet Access.

ACTIVITIES AND PROCEDURES:

1. I've counted the times I had to talk about a person's pets.
2. I've roughly calculated the length I've conducted in such senseless conversations.
3. I put two and two together and decided: It wasn't worth it.
4. Naturally, some people deserve more time depending on their charm/looks.

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER: After a brief amount of time I've came up with a chart that best explain my attitude towards pet-owner's conversations solely based upon their looks and features. I've chosen the xy Scatter Chart as a format due to its simplicity and clarity. I would also like to note that YES, I'm an ACE when it comes to excel but it'd be much more authentic to do it by hand (More time consuming too)!

The Chart

CHART KEY: (To explain on what basis I've chosen them and their time!)

Jocelyn Wildenstein

GOD DAAAAAAAMN! MY EYES.. I'm BLINDED! That lady fell out the ugly tree and hit a branch on her way down! Her middle name is ACCIDENT! She gets chased by the villagers AND got a job application from a haunted house! You know you're ugly when you make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt! Even the circus wouldn't take her! What can I say about her that haven't been said about hemorrhoids!?




Bette Midler


C'mon,
I know she's ugly.
YOU know she's ugly.
Even, SHE knows she's ugly!
But I do like her. After all, she's the one who started the myth about how the "Bra" was invented by a guy called: Otto Titsling.






Sarah Jessica Parker




OK. Is it normal for a horse to talk to you about her pets?
That's what I thought.








Lindsay Lohan



"I've got like the cutest puppy in the world! It goes like *arf arf*, OH MY GOD! *giggles* OOPS my boobs just slipped."

Yeah, she'd be as boring and stupid as SHIT. OK, 16 minutes max!






Uma Thurman



I don't care what others say, I still think Uma is one gorgeous female. She can talk to me about her pet for 2 whole hours. Then I'm afraid I'd have to ask her for the next best alternative: Slice my ass with your Hattori Hanzo!






Keira Knightley




Anyone who looks like Audrey Hepburn, minus the weird brow, deserves a day in my book.








Mila Javovich



I wouldn't mind if someone as good looking as Mila talks to me about her pet for that long.






Natalie Portman





L is for a LIFE TIME baby!









Penelope Cruz


If you look like Penelope, I love you.
My heart aches every time I think of you. I'm actually learning Spanish right now:
"Que pasa kalabaza? atención novia La policía! Donde estes mi pantalones?"
I can rot in the ground being skull fucked by worms 6 feet under and you still be going on about your pets. I wouldn't mind none.



P.S. The chart featured in my intensely thorough and descriptive study is up for sale to the highest bidder! (Plus Shipping and Handling). (See why I did it by hand?)
10% of your purchase will goto: Union of Nasser's National World Fund Federation Coalition for Poor Nasser. (UNNWFFCPN).

• Dedicated to L.