Mr. Prado

As a way of  redirecting my angst and releasing it positively I am going to start a bunch of "Dear (whoever)" posts. This is to see if I can avoid hurting anyone by posting. If this doesn't work, I guess it's back to good ol ass whipping for me. So here goes:

Dear Mr. Prado 97,

I am sorry I broke your windshield. No I'm not. It's just that I don't appreciate people blocking my car at the parking space. I do not think a sticker with: "Hey, please don't park here" is enough. If you were late, that does not mean I have to suffer.
This is not an apology. This is my way of saying: Look at the bright side, better your windshield than your face. Yes, I tried to redirect my anger, release it on your car and spare you. Lucky you, courtesy didn't just disappear..

The plan was you until the car in front of me moved. I wanted to wait for you, only I have already been waiting for 45 minutes.
Dear Mr. Prado being civilized does not have a cost. The way I see it I was not half civilized too, but if you insist on turning my country into a third world hell hole. Bring it on. Sure there are other ways to treat that problem, but in my book it would be something like: split radiator, melted wheels, and a floor board filled with fluids.
Dear Mr. Prado, believe me, better your windshield than your face.

Sincerely,
Nasser

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you were an object, don't ever cross me. I proved to your windshield and I'll prove it to any of your belongings. This includes the sack of rotten meat you call a body.



Off Topic: 

This is my new marketing pitch/threat to people who piss me off:

Are you depressed? Have interest rates got you down? My name is Nasser and I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs LIVE! On my block. I offer the best rebate on your babies! Get rid of the fat and dumb ones. Replace them with decent ones. No need to worry financially we'll give you a push start. And remember you can never succeed unless you try, try, and try some more.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I do not get pathological liars.
I do not get liars period.

I mean I am sure there is a reason, but why? I really need to know.
I stumble upon liars like e'eryday.

Lying is an easy escape but a damned prison!

I myself do not lie. I do have my own method of story telling.

I like exaggerating and dramatizing a certain situation.

For example 10 minutes in human standards is 10 in Nasser years. 10,000 years is a regular phrase too.

I am proud of it since I just figured out that 10,000 years is translated to BANZAI in Japanese.

This is out of respect for the Emperor, started during the 8th century, when they wished he reigned for 10,000 years.

I sure hope he does, unfortunately I do not think I have that much patience, lemme die and get over with it.

In case you did not notice, I am practicing some Japanese, hopefully I would be able to speak it by the end of the year.

But back to the main point, why do they keep lying?

I can understand the usual customary compliment lie. Mashalla, your shoes are nice!

(I was wearing a pair of crocs with a dishdasha to work you idiot how nice is that? And why the hell are you checking out my feet anyways, you freak!)

But patholically lying about everything!?
This is simply unbearable.

One of my people usually calls everyday at 5 P.M. asking me what I got planned for today?
Nothing Dowaniya..
I'll be there in an hour.

He never shows up. Why did you bother calling and/or give me a false promise?
This does not bother me.

There are other types of liars. The ones who steal actual events to share placing themselves and others as main characters. That is better than choosing a cartoon and replace elsanafir with you and your family. Either ways its pathetic.

Back in highschool I had a guy who claimed he was chilling with "7akeem el aqzam"
TRUE STORY!
But then again he also claimed that a dragon lit him a cigarette and the ownership of a printer that prints stuff he bought from amazon! I sure hoped that was true.

I wanted to believe some of the shit I heard from people over the years just because it would be cool.

There are also those who seek to spread rumours. A fantasy porno, an important death, a big embezzlement, even a war! So what use is that? and how is it constructive?

By the way, concealing the truth is just ask good! Sure sometimes truth hurts, but I would rather be hurt than be lied to. As if I got any feelings left.

Good thing I can spot a lie EASY, and I do not have tolerance to those who do it. Whether it is a friend, family, or even a total stranger, I immediately blow thier cover and call their bluff. I kinda enjoy it.

In all cases lying is not healthy, and what scared me the most, its considered a way of life here in Kuwait!

And then 17 y/o girls blame their 27 y/o boyfriends for doing something nasty, the wife blames the husband for cheating, the consumer blames the producer for false advertising, the people blame the politicians for faking it, and everyone blames ze Egyptians.

(I do not know how I reached that conclusion so do not ask.)

I rarely give a promise because I keep mine. I hope some of the important peoples in Kuwait keep theirs. Yes, I am aware I pluralized people.

In the end I ask myself, is it worth lying? what is it for? Money? Fame? Whatever? I really do not care I just think it is plain cowardness.

Speaking of Cowardness and Banzai I am, along with a certain reader, we are, going to live like a gyokusai, a shattered jewel.

大丈夫寧可玉砕何能瓦全

"a great man should die as a shattered jewel rather than live as an intact tile"

Poker is fair game though

MINDED JOB OPENING

Recently, my goals have indeed took a different route!

Apparently, "Go to work, do your best, and go home", was too much to ask for!
I got to a level where: "Go to work and do not kill your boss!" Is really hard to achieve.

I thought being good was enough, I was mistaken, the deal was to kiss ass.

But that is not what I am getting into. I am here to record the alternatives.

Let us say that I did indeed kill my boss, or hurt him real bad, for sure I would get fired.

So, what next?

Apart from my job I have compiled a collection of jobs, weird/bad, jobs, nonetheless.

Here are somethings that would entitle me to say, Mo ent ele teg6a3 rezgee, upon getting fired.

Historian - I can talk all day about my recent obsession over Chen Shou's Records of the Three Kingdoms.

Then I got into thinking, why not do what I am doing right now for a living?

Writer: Give me a working keyboard and that should not be that hard. Or, you can always donate if you like what you read.

Photographer: I actually did better with a camera phone than some of those who had expensive SLR, picture me with an SLR, WOHO!

English Teacher: Kill is a verb, Grand Boss is a noun, cute is an adjective. How hard can this be?

Novelist: Yes I can tell a story.

Political Activist: I know there are many, but any idiot can be one. Look at the ones we already have and tell me I cannot be one.

Dumb Mathematician: I know I cannot be a smart one.

Designer: One bastard had a zipper on a dishdasha. He sold it for 500 K.D. and all of a sudden he is a visionary artist. I sure can do better than that.

Economist: I am good at it, and we need a couple of those.

Of coarse there are always other alternatives: Driver, prostitute, and thief. But we got enough of those. (I Do not want to mess the supply and demand curve). I told you I was a good economist did I not?

The main thing holding me from fulfilling my dream is making the perfect resignation letter.

I always say: If you want to do, do BIG!

And for that I have to wait.

Aside from that, why is there different connotation to the word open-minded?

Does it depend on the person or the situation?

One "open-minded" person thought not being racist was it.

Another viewed it as alcoholism.

Some even mistaken it for sexual addiction. Being a whore is not being open minded.

So please do not attempt to cover your carnal obsessions, drug addictions, and failures by being "open minded".

Not that I am against them.

Hooray For Financial Crisis!

I like what is happening right now with the economy. It is rather exciting. Everytime I am free I go to the KSE and look at the sad faces. I cannot help but feel joy inside. I actually try and figure out how much they lost so far.

That guy with the white beard looks like he had lost 2,000 K.D. People are going insane, selling their stocks dirt cheap. I see the trades and I know someone is playing around, there are people profiting from this economic crisis.

I like how dramatic Karam goes over his money. One day he puts his rug on sale, the next day he takes a donkey. Trying to start a protest every chance he gets, He's so crazy. Good thing they booked him in for starting an illegal protest.

Some how the many 6ararat are not begging anymore. I think that's stupid. During this very crisis people try and give charity hoping God would give them back.

I know for a fact that, if not sooner, the crisis will end by December/January. This is all just to prove the inefficiency of capitalism. Every couple of years all its dirt goes on surface. Outside help is needed to make things better. As soon as they temporarily fix it, people get so happy they forget.

Hey at least I got to be on the news and a couple of newspapers as a random spectator. Sad faces everywhere, Nasser is smiling. I know I can talk about everything in details for hours. I do not want to. I will just contribute that everything is going to be fine. Sooner or later, everything does.

In the end, everyone is losing. I was told it is easy to make money when the economy is hyper. The hard part is to control your losses during a crisis like this. This is what separates the good investors from the bad ones.

OFF TOPIC: What is your favorite internal organ?

To Hell in a Handbasket

A good friend of mine is working on her Ph.D. in Computer Science. Part of her research is to develop technology to help aid Mentally Retarded people in Kuwait. (I know its politically incorrect to say Mentally Retarded but that's the technical term).

Apparently, since 1988, mental disability care in Kuwait had declined. I thought we do not need any technology to help them Mentally disabled people. Tards managed to help themselves fine over the years. As a matter of fact I can name a bunch of tards who are producing, providing, and maintaining just fine.

Take our lovely government for example. We have a bunch of retards running a whole lot of retards. There might be many who are normal, but they are usually pushed down. Our medical and educational system might be a good illustration of how to go beyond retardness. We got Bengali janitors working side by side with the nurses. The other day I had a Bengali with a razor offering to shave a relative's chest for his heart surgery, wearing those contaminated plastic yellow gloves claiming it was "nazeef". I have never trusted anyone with a razor other than my barber "Shahbaz" and myself. I sure as hell won't trust a hospital janitor. I thought there were gay filipino nurses to do that, and you get to get a happy ending too!

My other example is the Ministry of Education. Apparently, they teach English for all now. My good friend taught English for 5 years now, he never failed anyone! I was impressed that there were no dumb students. Back in the day, there were a couple of bright ones (e7em e7em) and whole bunch of dense ones.

He said he had the dumbest students but he did not fail them. When I asked why, his answer was that he taxed those kids by beating them senseless. I thought they banned beating, apparently he did not get that memorandum.

He simply made it clear. Had he failed a kid, his parents are going to nag and they would eventually beat that kid then he'll have to teach him again next year or even have make up duty by the end of his summer vacation. So instead he declares marshall law and spare himself all that inconvenience. He compensate for their stupidity, physically. It's like double jeopardy, a slap for a D.

Speaking of schools, they do not even own computers. I think the educational system relies on students to self educate at home by msn and facebook. That is a good way of creating independent individuals.

Of coarse, that's just a straw in a haystack for our case. We go beyond social workers and governmental sectors. Sure it takes you 6 hours to renew a torn driving license by passing through 12 staff employees, but that's nothing. Tards got most control. They managed to run for elections and get voted for by more tards further ruining a beautiful place I'd like to call home. I say: Anarchy or Bust.

So why do we need technology for the tards? Don't they already have nokias? Do they not gain their expertise by bluetoothing, and downloading music and porn? What else do we need?
I know! We need to be more like Um Abdullah. We need more plastic surgeons. Then even the more obvious looking mentally disabled, like people with down syndrome, would look normal. After all, why should we accept those scary looking people, we can't have that now can we?

Double Cheeseburger

My cousin Khalood keeps asking me for more posts. 

He wants to read something while at work. 

Well this one is for you. We the best, Khaled.

For me, ideas pop quicker than ping pong balls from a Thai chick. 

I was talking yesterday with a friend about double standards. 

Double standards nowadays comes in all shapes and sizes. 

Just like those people who act conservatively against what the world has become but at the same time contribute to its social failure. (hint hint Mr. Lo7ya Man).

Those are the very same people who ask for a clean environment but use automobiles.

Yeah, you're not any better than the drillers since you buy their product.  

I once talked to a drunk complaining about the corruption in this country. La ya sheeekh? 

But double standards go way further than that.

Like asking for equality among Kuwaitis but profiling a certain nation/3irj. Better yet not marrying certain people..

And then they call me racist. You are either profiling or not. You cannot choose to be both. Never worked that way. 

I heard about a feminist who gave my buddy a girly thank you when he decided to pay for their meal's check.

Had it been me, I would have split it. 

Not as a form of stinginess rather than a way of expressing my utter consideration for her "movement". 

How would you like that Betty Friedan?

Speaking of Betty, what are the consequences of asking a Feminist Dyke for a Blow Job? 

I know it sounds ugly, but does not a Job give them a sense of accomplishment?

What brought all that up? 

The fact that we knew a bunch of dudes who were GAGA for the opposite gender.

Usually, they are pretty nice and cool to be with. 

But when it comes to the ladies, it's a different story. 

Everything changes. 

All of a sudden their alter ego appear.

Voice goes soft, eyes becomes sweet, and chest gets inflated.

I do not mind that really, but it hurts to know someone who takes it that far. 

Kind of ruins my rep, as if I care about it.

Some dudes actually punk themselves to reach their goal. 

But then again, DS comes into action. 

I guess everyone has their share of DS.

I guess double standards are not that bad.

I will just label extreme cases with a different euphemism. 

I  am going to call it Double Cheeseburger. 

I hope no one, including us Khalood, meets a Double Cheeseburger, nor become into one.

Magul ela Allah yer7am ayamik ya Popeye.

P.S. 

The lyrics to Popeye's song goes a little bit like this: 

I'm  Popeye the Sailor Man

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man

I Yam What I Yam

And That's All That I Yam

I'm Popeye The Sailor Man

Much To My Misfortune

I have yet to see someone die right after saying: "HEY GUYS WATCH THIS".

I am looking forward to it though...