KITNB: funny

One of my friend's is about to be blessed with a child, he was discussing with me names he wanted to call his future son: Laith, Haytham, Lo2ay or Sameer. 6ab3an elasami "alla bel khair".

What caught his attention was me laughing when he said: Sameer. Offcoarse, to my misfortune, Sameer happens to be both his brother and his grandfather. So he wanted an explanation..

The following events took place during 1998 or 1999:

To this day, I never can help but snicker when I hear the name "Sameer" and/or "Sameera".
Perhaps it's by reason of some of my childhood memories. Fa6oo6a and/or Majalat Sameer.

Back in the "Pre Low Weist Era A.K.A. ayam eljahiliya. I used to wear pants that went all the way up to my nipples, but that's not the subject. I remember I had an old raggedy Siemens phone, (I've always been an Anti Nokia Enthusiast). Let's not get into unnessecary details. I've received a phone call from Sameera's Friend (SF for short):

RING RING

Me: Aloo.

SF: Aloo.

Me: Na3am?

SF: Momkin akalim Sameera?

Me: Nemra ghala6.

CLICK (mo ela tgool asfa 3al ez3aj).

After two weeks, I've received another phone call:

RING RING

Me: Aloo.

SF: Momkin akalim Sameera?

Me: (trying to be a smart ass) Weyach.

SF: Meno?

Me: Ana Sameera, khair?

SF: SAMEERA, SAMEERA!

Me: La, ana Sameera wa7da bss.

CLICK (Ham no Phone Etiquette).

After few days, I think SF estanisat 3ala elwath3.

RING RING

Me: Hala?

SF: Momkin akalim Sameera?

Me: 9abrich ya roo7, inty lel7en mo mestaw3iba ini mo Sameera?

CLICK (This time it was on like donkey kong!)

I went to our Dewaneya. I explained everything to my friends. I asked to call that number and ask for Sameera. At that time I was but a young misguided teenager. Lets not forget to mention that I also had a bad case of: Napoleon Complex, Not to mention my on going cases of both OCD & ADD.

For a whole week, everyone I knew back then called SF. Cellphones, home phones, baqala phones. Even the pay phone elee kan 3ind jam3iyat el-Shamiya!

After I gave her a taste of her own medicine, I called two weeks later.

RING RING

SF: Alo.

Me: SALAM!

SF: Hala, meno?

Me: Ana Sameera, fee a7ad eti9al 3alay?

SF: Laughs

CLICK

Parents nowadays are weak. Weak parents produce weak children building a weak society.
Kids on the other side are like clay, they can easily be molded into whatever you want them to be.
Instead of raising them to be a good for nothing spoiled nimrods, there are other ways to raise them to be assets to society and their country.
My good friend, a Children's Psychologist, was against my methods.
I seriously respect her opinion.
After a quick lesson in her methods & a quick research, I think it is only fair to show the clinical approved methods of punishing your children.
In this article we will go through the APA style of Punishing children, then there is always the good ol ass whipping.
In my humble opinion, i think the old fashioned way is the best way. Raising a nation of righteous people, I mean before making a decision everyone asks theirselves "WWDD" or "WWMD", What Would Dad Do or What Would Mom Do. You maybe more familiar with WWJD but what if you're of a non christian faith?
a slap on the wrist isn't always the best way to conduct disciplinary action.
So here goes:

From the one-sided, bias, psychologist's point of view:

1) Time-out (ya3ni basically let them go to their rooms where they might have TV, PC, Satellite & Playstation - I for one wouldnt mind being in time-out.

2) 7erman men e6al3a. (wetha kan em3aqad o0 ma ye6la3 a9lan?)

3) Take away something they love. (So? they would find another things they love, perhaps create a new hobby)

4) Ta7rim`hom men doing something. (I will not even waste a minute commenting on that)

There are other disciplinary actions that were also mentioned such as:

Positive Reinforcement: Which basically means giving them or praising them for doing something they were SUPPOSED TO DO. (ma3tiqid ina testahil elmad7 7g shy int elmafroth tsawe asasan.) A LOAD OF BULL CRAP.

***

The Old Fashioned Way: (my way)

Knowing that i am always right and you are always wrong if you do not agree with yours truely. I shall "enlighten" with the correct ways of raising children. I believe that children are little people. They are just like you and I. The fact that they're little means that the world is basically big. So they work with what they got. In real world situations there are basically two types of crime, Jon7a & Jon7a. Jon7a being misdemeanor and Jinaya, you got it, felony.

Now I am not here to tell you what should be labelled as what. You, the parent, being a "master of your own domain" get to judge and prosecute them the right way you see it.

I shall now show you a pictorial how to conduct a discpilinary action (The Right Way)

NOTE TO READERS:

Offcoarse we are all familiar with the 6rag AKA: Kaf, Rashdi, s6ar, ma7moodi, 2alam & emkhamas.
This method can usually be used both ways depending on the strength of the thrust and the power of the hand.
We needn't pictures for it since we are all familiar with it. "kel e6rag ib ta3loma." ANON

1st we will start with misdemeanors:

***

Qawanin wa lawa2i7 al Jon7at

The Newspaper Technique

You are awake early in the morning, malik khulg shy, & your little brat bastard is acting up. A slap with a newspaper on the back of the head would do just fine as a reminder of whose boss. You'll Be needing a Newspaper offcoarse (cost: 100 fils/ 25 cent).

A copy of the Wall Street Journal (or any other newspaper if WSJ wasnt available).

Note that the "lafa" of the jareeda should be tight so the hit would be hard enough.

The Wire Method

Any wire would do, it is easy & all you need is a wire and a good swinging arm.

The good news is you can use dif. types of wire depending on the occassion. This would range from a simple type of phone wire to a thick garden hose.

The Hanger Process

Never underestimate cloth's hangers. It may be slim & free from the laundry but there are many progressive uses for it (next to manufacturing a naba6a).

Yard Sticks/Khayzarana

"al3a9a leman 3a9a." ANON

Proven clinically to be effective, thin and has a timer on when to stop. Swing it on the back of your victim (child) until it breaks (That's when you need to stop).

***

This concludes misdemeanors.
Now that we've went over the necessary methods to discipline misdemeanors, we shall move to Felonies

***

Qawanin wa lawa2i7 al-Jenayat

The 3gal Maneuver

This is basically conducted by men.
If you were in a hurry and have no time to be creative just take off your old mir3iz and straighten up the shit out of your bastard.
Note: Never take off your 3gal without using it. This is degrading to all of us.

Note the correct way of holding your 3gal.

The Belt Technique

The belt is frequently used when 3gal isn't available.

You need to clap it once or twice as a "war cry" if you will..

There are basically 2 ways of holding a belt, My way or the wrong way.

The wrong way is merely holding it as displayed below:

My way involves wrapping your belt around your hands for a firmer grip and more stability.

Note how the belt is wrapped around the hand.

Le Finger in Le Belly

Easy, quick & definately effective. a good "zag6a" bil ba6in will do the job.
Your kid may suffer a minor difficulty in breathing but don't let this intimidate you. It usually doesn't kill him/her.

The fruit & sock system

This involves some minor engineering.
You'll be needing: any fruit & a sock. (preferably tube socks).

This is very effective when you do not want bruises to appear on your subject's body.
Process:
1) put the fruit in the sock.
2) Grip your sock tightly from the elastic part.

9eekh's Routine

This is good. It works for poking, spanking & branding. you can use 1, 2 or all your dozen.

***

Commencement

By now you should be familiar with the many ways of disciplining you children. So parents please: Do so. Raise your children the right way. Show them whose boss. Teach them how to act in an orderly fashion and how to respect your authority. Lets work together to build a better structured society. Do it for a better Kuwait. Do it for a better Earth.

P.s.
*Many thanks for the contributions of Fawaz.
*Many many thanks for the contributions & modeling of our indispensable Big Mean Moe.
(Thanks for making all of this possible)