Animals

I love animals!
Ivan the Terrible, 1st Czar of Russia, thought he was personally anointed by God to be the Ruler of Russia. He also enjoyed torturing animals as a kid.

I love fishes, mice, cats, cows, sheep, monkeys, peaches.. Wait peaches are fruits. Native to China too, Nihoa! But back to our subject. I want to start by giving few fun facts about Animals.

• A 'bitch' is more likely to bite you than a male dog. (No wonder they call her a bitch).
  
• Cows have 4 stomachs. (That's like how many hot dogs?)
  
• A zebra is white with black stripes. (Isn't that supposedly politically incorrect?)
  
• Sharks are immune to cancer. (FIND THE REASON AND THE CURE, please!)
  
• A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (I so wanna be a pig!)
  
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (I think I once knew a praying mantis.)
  
• Abalones are a type of snail with five assholes. (If all else fails, start ripping people more assholes than an Abalone.)

Now, you know what I used to really like?

Mice, I loved feeding them to the piranhas! That was long before I vowed not to kill any animal, unless I'm going to eat it.



Fun things to do with mice:

1- Watch them swim, (its legs move like turbines.)
2- Scare them shitless, LITERALLY!

Notice how we scared that poor animal until it shat it self!
So, does that mean we scared it shitfull or shitless?
But back to my valuable pointers!

3- Feed it to the Piranhas!



If you never seen a delicious mouse being grotesquely devoured by a school of piranhas, you're missing half your life. A very fun experiment. (R.I.P. Mouse!).

P.S. That was long before I vowed not to hurt anything.
P.S.S. Some animals were harmed in the making of this post.
P.S.S.S Never EVER name an animal before killing it, it's just gonna make things a little bit complicated.
P.S.S.S.S. Don't ask about my childhood.

random

Does not being offended by anything means that you're a weaker person with nothing to stand up for?

Or does it mean you're a genius who couldn't care less of what other "unimportant" minds think?

Maybe it's because you're so self-centered?

Surprisingly I rarely EVER get offended, the way I see it is (No matter what is being said): "This person is striving for attention! Or maybe just trying to get me to lose my temper which isn't gonna happen."

Yep, that's my defense mechanism in action.

Ah, Whatever..
When in doubt I always go with this: "He who don't know the way will be lost, he whose lost will eventually find a way."

OK my Lebanese friend said it, I couldn't imitate the accent for shit so I translated. It makes much sense to me really. I also had the weirdest conversation on lunch last night, Would you lick the armpits of someone you love? short answer is NO!

I've also been jealous of that gay dude who desperately wanted to prove he's gay he actually showered with a 100 girls over a period of 1 year. JUST TO PROVE IT!

I wanna do something like that and make a documentary on it!

Speaking of documentaries. I've stumbled upon one called "The Aristocrats". About an inside comedian joke that has many versions. It's basically an offensive, dirty, grotesque joke. (My type of humor.)

This website has a wide range of aristocrats jokes.

There's this Ad I found. DAMN! I loved it, I mean its creative and coming from ze russians it means a lot. Although I'm not sure if its an actual ad or a parody..


I also do think that CBM on MBC is a disgrace. What kind of funny is it? It's not at all funny!

I think I can do a better job writing a show while a chimp acts it out!

Why do we strive to do sketches that aren't working and disgrace ourselves and the brains of viewers? That show has been on for few years now. It wasn't funny then, and aint funny now! Why don't anyone do something about it?

Are there some brain dead bastards out there who actually fancy it? Thats just weird yo.

Speaking of weird,
There are people out there against the execution of Saddam!

Search for any documentary by Kanan Makiya, AN OUTSTANDING REPORTER! He's been on the ba3th's tail since the mid 80's!

If, after watching what that bastard did as chronicled by Kanan, you still against the way he was hung.. You definitely deserve to be hung (and pissed on by me!).

MOFO killed babies! (as much as I thought that'd be funny in a way) NOW I'm against it.

KILLING BABIES IS HEREBY CONSIDERED UNFUNNY!

Ok, what am I doing now?

I'm sorry to say that right about now.. I've far more important matters to attend to.

I'm outty 3000

H2O

Being a marketing student, I've often been told that we can sell anything. With enough creativity & convincing, us marketers, using the right methods of approach can in fact sell any product. Don't let me start with things we don't need, after all, EVERYONE owns things they don't need. Being a marketing student, I ALSO, managed to comprehend the importance of presenting & packaging.



Now I understand that water, h2o, is a significant need; it's essential to the protraction of life on earth. I'm all for the reshaping and customization in the process of bottling. As a matter of fact, being able to sell consumers a homogeneous good for double its price due to the sole fact of putting it in a different package IS PRICELESS.

I'm sure some would like to claim water as being heterogeneous, but had I had the power of persuasion; I would easily sell you tap water for triple its price only if I convince you it's from the mist of Avalon. The sad part: You'd like it. Why? Cause it's all the same.

Nevertheless, I'm extremely devastated by the fact of producers who ruin our water. Telling us stories about how tap water would ruin our kidneys and not in these words. Better yet, they manipulate the pure H2O and add chemicals to it; They claim to specialize it!

Baby's water, Flavored water, water with "essential minerals", Calcium water and the list goes on. Even Coke and Pepsi produce water!

Normal Water should be pure, transparent and uncontaminated.

Baby's water? I won't even waste energy on commenting on that.

Flavored? Water with sugar and chemicals?

Essential minerals? It's a given, You CAN'T take credit for things you should contain and/or have.

Calcium? Water already contains calcium, at least it should! But with extra calcium, over a long enough period of time, you'd end up walking with your very own dialysis machine. (CUTE!)

Better yet, How can you trust the water of the same people who sell you drinks that EXPLODE with Mentos?

The way I see it, Don't let them bullshit you with chemically infested water. Don't indulge them to ruin what's once was pure and clean by supporting them and buying their dirty water.

Help keep our water clean.

Today's The Day

My dreams are all dead and buried
Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode
When God comes and calls me to his Kingdom
I'll take all you sonsabitches when I go

Billy Joe Shaver

Weather? FREEZING BALLS!

Kuwait's National Team?
Sucks Balls! (They really can get away with joining the Special Olympics - Fucking Retards!)

School?
Busting my BALLS! (Finance midterm tomorrow - NOT the friendly executive style "Calculator" Finance, I'm talking Knights Templar style! They're going Medieval on my ASS!)

Surprisingly.. Never mind..

I'm outty 3000..

How Long Can You Get Away With It?

TITLE: How Long I'm Willing To Hear/Read About Your Pet Depending On How Hot You Are.

AUTHOR: ME YOU IDIOT!

THESIS: Some people can get away with long mindless uninteresting conversations solely based on their good looks.

OVERVIEW: Statistics and probability an important part in our lives and are particularly useful in helping us make wise decisions. This study would help readers see how the study of probability can effect even the time I'd be willing to spend with you on a certain subject.

PURPOSE: This study would help implement some of what I've learned in earlier research classes and presents a fascinating summary of the way my "Attention Span" works.

OBJECTIVE(S): Readers will be able to:

1. Know how long they're allowed to speak of pets to me based on my scales-of-beauty.
2. Understand how instinct has a major role in time rationing.
3. Recognize how UGLY Sara Jessica Parker is.

RESOURCES/MATERIALS NEEDED:

1. Paper.
2. Pencil.
3. Black Marker.
4. Camera.
5. Eraser.
6. PowerBook G4.
7. Internet Access.

ACTIVITIES AND PROCEDURES:

1. I've counted the times I had to talk about a person's pets.
2. I've roughly calculated the length I've conducted in such senseless conversations.
3. I put two and two together and decided: It wasn't worth it.
4. Naturally, some people deserve more time depending on their charm/looks.

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER: After a brief amount of time I've came up with a chart that best explain my attitude towards pet-owner's conversations solely based upon their looks and features. I've chosen the xy Scatter Chart as a format due to its simplicity and clarity. I would also like to note that YES, I'm an ACE when it comes to excel but it'd be much more authentic to do it by hand (More time consuming too)!

The Chart

CHART KEY: (To explain on what basis I've chosen them and their time!)

Jocelyn Wildenstein

GOD DAAAAAAAMN! MY EYES.. I'm BLINDED! That lady fell out the ugly tree and hit a branch on her way down! Her middle name is ACCIDENT! She gets chased by the villagers AND got a job application from a haunted house! You know you're ugly when you make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt! Even the circus wouldn't take her! What can I say about her that haven't been said about hemorrhoids!?




Bette Midler


C'mon,
I know she's ugly.
YOU know she's ugly.
Even, SHE knows she's ugly!
But I do like her. After all, she's the one who started the myth about how the "Bra" was invented by a guy called: Otto Titsling.






Sarah Jessica Parker




OK. Is it normal for a horse to talk to you about her pets?
That's what I thought.








Lindsay Lohan



"I've got like the cutest puppy in the world! It goes like *arf arf*, OH MY GOD! *giggles* OOPS my boobs just slipped."

Yeah, she'd be as boring and stupid as SHIT. OK, 16 minutes max!






Uma Thurman



I don't care what others say, I still think Uma is one gorgeous female. She can talk to me about her pet for 2 whole hours. Then I'm afraid I'd have to ask her for the next best alternative: Slice my ass with your Hattori Hanzo!






Keira Knightley




Anyone who looks like Audrey Hepburn, minus the weird brow, deserves a day in my book.








Mila Javovich



I wouldn't mind if someone as good looking as Mila talks to me about her pet for that long.






Natalie Portman





L is for a LIFE TIME baby!









Penelope Cruz


If you look like Penelope, I love you.
My heart aches every time I think of you. I'm actually learning Spanish right now:
"Que pasa kalabaza? atención novia La policía! Donde estes mi pantalones?"
I can rot in the ground being skull fucked by worms 6 feet under and you still be going on about your pets. I wouldn't mind none.



P.S. The chart featured in my intensely thorough and descriptive study is up for sale to the highest bidder! (Plus Shipping and Handling). (See why I did it by hand?)
10% of your purchase will goto: Union of Nasser's National World Fund Federation Coalition for Poor Nasser. (UNNWFFCPN).

• Dedicated to L.

Chris Columbus Meets Toyota

This is a commercial I've just discovered. (Well my friend just showed it to me). It's my kind of advertising! Aggressive, blunt and lethal!

[Video 01:00]


If I had a thing to add to its perfection it'd be goons sent by me to potential buyers who'd "motivate" them on their purchase.

P.S. For all of you wondering, Chris Columbus is the director of "Home Alone".

THINAMAGOOP!

The truth is I'm a technology whore. I try to follow up with every device there is (Key Word: TRY). I may not know how they're made or work, but that's why I've got engineer friends for. Upon my quest of surveying new means of technology that might help humanity (or maybe not). I've recently found the THINGAMAGOOP, an irritating robot of Bleep Labs.

Video [01:41]



A small hand held synthesizer that is noisy and sensitive to light. It's portable, loud and battery operated.
I found that I've simply no use of it, since I've no rhythm!

This is a great device for remixing music and/or pissing people off.

P.S. Use it around me and you're getting SLAPPED!